Is your parent or grandparent or elderly guardian driving you to driving school every morning this summer, and are they driving you crazy?
We have the solution!
In addition to our usual summer driver’s ed program for our students, this summer Public School Zero is offering tandem driving classes for oldsters.
Our class features:
10 Point Turns
Older people are cautious, have trouble seeing out the back, and/or do not “trust” the backup camera. We teach them to arduously turn the car around in the driveway of your friend’s house with a ten-point turn that everyone is YES watching from the kitchen window laughing.
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Not that, they already know that.
Old folks were taught to drive with their hands on the wheel at 10:00 and 2:00. You are being taught to drive with your hands at 9:00 and 3:00 so your arms don’t get broken if the airbag inflates.
It is not possible to retrain your parents in the newfangled ways. They don’t even necessarily “believe” that the airbag will go off in an accident.
6:00 and 9:00 is a compromise. Oldsters will hold the wheel at 9:00 with their left hand, and rest a thumb on the bottom of the wheel at 6:00 just over their cup of cold coffee from home.
Be aware that, despite their own unsafe driving, oldsters will be enraged if you drive with one hand clutching your Starbucks cup and the other lightly resting on the wheel.
Expect them to dramatically brace themselves against the dashboard and breathe rapidly as you make a perfectly safe looping left turn on red.
Yes! Left on red is now legal in our state! It is a FACT. If you can get your parents to take the Parent Driving Class they will learn this fact among other totally insane new driving tidbits they just don’t believe when you tell them. No more “agree to disagree,” these are facts.
Calming Breathing
Our student drivers report significant stress and anxiety from dealing with their parents’ stress and anxiety over their student driving.
We teach oldsters some hippie/military box breathing exercises to calm them the F down while you are driving their totally beat-up car that they have already spilled cold coffee in, backed into your friend’s mailbox and ruined with their stupid bumper stickers.
Family Therapy
Our social worker will help you navigate the tricky legal and moral questions relating to your dangerous driver dad and freewheeling foster parent.
No one can stand up to the cantankerous patriarch or the manipulative matriarch? Is your angsty aunt a menace to society and too touchy to talk to? Perhaps your dementing guardian believes they are above the law?
A trained mental health professional will help you stage an intervention for your unsafe elderly driver and deal with the emotional fallout after your father grabs the car keys and drives the car you just borrowed from a friend into a wall just to show you who is boss.
The problem with the older generation is that they are oblivious to their dated sense of entitlement and suffer from an expectation of outmoded absolute unquestioned authority. Of course, the irony is that the oldsters dismantled the deference culture they now want back. Ha!
Our interventionist uses a combo of flattery and tough love to cajole those keys away from your aged menace. When that doesn’t work, we install a confusing passcode on the garage door and reprogram all the remote openers.
Every electronic lock panel will be set to read:
SECURITY CODE NOT WORKING AND YOUR CHILD DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT ANY BETTER THAN YOU DO. HAVE YOU READ THE DIRECTIONS? DID YOU GOOGLE IT YOURSELF? IT IS NOT MAGIC, JUST LOOK IT UP. IF YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT BASIC EFFORT WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE TO DRIVE A VERY EXPENSIVE KILLING MACHINE?
Finally, our family therapist will work with you on your feelings of anger at your elders. Remember, the older generations were brought up on futuristic fantasies that they would soon be traveling the world in individual air taxis and personal submarines.
The reality of having their license taken away by a teenager is very far from the flying restaurant of their childhood dreams.
Relocation Experts
Since none of this will work, the next step is separating yourself from the constant legal and emotional liability of your speed demon dad. It is time to move out of your family house.
Our team will help you find a timeshare bed in an apartment with 10 other recent high school grads at a cost of 80% of your fast food industry wages.
There is no way your generation can afford cars, all your disposable income will go to student loans and climate change costs, so unfortunately you will have to ask Uncle Faster to drive you to your new place. Buckle up!
Image:
Leaving The Opera in The Year 2000, Albert Robida (1882)*Albert Robida (14 May 1848 – 11 October 1926) was a French illustrator, etcher, lithographer, caricaturist, and novelist. He edited and published La Caricature magazine for 12 years. Through the 1880s, he wrote an acclaimed trilogy of futuristic novels. Public Domain Image.
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