Fred’s University is proud to announce a new program at its Culinary School: Cooking For Dogs
Research has shown that people are more excited about cooking for their pets than for annoying houseguests or ungrateful family members. Two-thirds of pet owners cook a meal for their dog at least three times a week.
The Dean of Fred’s University Culinary School (a dog owner) believes that the future of culinary studies is in cooking for dogs. He has moved to pivot the Culinary School toward canine culinary studies.
The entirely male senior faculty have not been enthusiastic about the new direction for the Culinary School and wrote in a lengthy letter of protest that they feel that the academic integrity of their program has been undermined.
In their letter, the senior faculty argued that it is essential to the business model of culinary schools to make a cruel and unfriendly distinction between unpaid home cooks (women) and top well-paid professional chefs (men). A culinary degree distinguishes moms from professionals. The cranky old faculty members were quick to point out this applies to their female students as much as their male students, if not even more.
The angry faculty insisted that a dog-based curriculum is just another example of the “home cooking” that Fred’s University Culinary School constantly disparages.
How will senior chefs on the faculty maintain their male dignity if they are reduced to kitchen-floor recipes?
The sad fact remains, the Dean explained to the despairing male chefs, the future of cuisine is not in restaurants. Culinary school enrollments are in decline, and the only students who can afford the insane tuition are rich stockbrokers who want to change careers and independently wealthy hobbyists. Although it was clear the senior chefs were not interested in a lecture from the Dean, he outlined for them the reasons restaurants are dying.
The restaurant industry has been hit hard by four factors:
- Refusal to pay a living wage to service workers (otherwise known as “the labor shortage”).
- Residual introversion and people-hating since the pandemic (otherwise known as “continued social distancing”).
- Corporate greed and price fixing (otherwise known as “inflation”).
- Finally, everyone who is not a Boomer is burdened with crippling debt and stagnant wages (otherwise known as “millennials canceling everything”) and can’t afford to eat out.
The answer to all of these problems is: dogs.
No! The senior faculty argued in private. The answer to the culinary school and restaurant crisis is to bring in more attractive young female students with no chance of rising to the top ranks of the profession. No matter that many of these students will drop out when they learn the depressing facts about the sexism of the food industry. We can make plenty of money off their non-refundable tuition! And it is important for chefs to have women to boss around: that is a crucial perk for the mostly-male faculty.
While the Dean declined to go on record debating the chefs, he hinted that dogs are the answer to this problem as well. The chefs’ desired demographic of disposable young women also likes dogs!
Without further consulting the faculty, the Dean began posting dog food content on the Fred’s University Cooking School channel promoting the new program, starting with a dog demonstrating a sweet potato recipe. Previous Culinary School videos featured complex recipes that required hard-to-find ingredients and expensive tools–and were not very popular. The faculty were miffed to see that an attractive gray Shih Tzu cooking a sweet potato was replacing their expert instruction.
Until now, most of Fred’s University’s educational content has been in the form of educational cat videos. But the Dean is betting on dogs.
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**Starred Comments**
A1TopChef
This is proof. Culinary school has gone to the dogs!
DogAdvocate
Did the Dean have consent from the dog and practice good canine body autonomy during the filming?
Foody
Why didn’t the dog use parchment paper on the pan to make cleanup easier? Did the dog poke the potato in multiple places to avoid it exploding? Was the dog supervised when he was using that sharp fork?
BigChef
I object to the characterization of chefs on the faculty as chauvinists and old fogies. For my part, I make a big effort to encourage the attractive young women in our program. In fact, I go out of my way to offer one-on-one mentoring, even inviting some of these lovely young females to intern in my kitchen so they can learn and observe up close.
DoggieDiner
I’d like to hire this adorable Shih Tzu to cater a dinner party. How do I contact him?
UnionNow
Dogs are just another underpaid, undervalued labor pool for greedy institutions.
Also Read: Relaxing Cat Video for the Classroom