Sorry You Didn’t Get That Travel Grant
Paris is so beautiful in spring
Condolences for Your Article Getting Rejected
If it makes you feel any better, we didn’t actually read your manuscript. Your nemesis tossed it in the trash before anyone saw it.
You Have My Sympathy on Not Getting Tenure
Your nemesis did not deserve to get the professorship.
Apologies for Excluding you From The Panel at The Conference
People just don’t respect history anymore and I’m afraid that means they don’t respect you either
All My Sympathy for The Death of Your Field of Study
If it makes you feel better, the university never intended to make good on their retirement promises.
Heartfelt Condolences on the Loss of Your Pension Fund
If it makes you feel better, the university never intended to make good on their retirement promises.
Too Bad They Shut Down the Community Food Pantry
Where you volunteered for the last 20 years. Now that you need free food to feed your family, it’s gone. Having a public service location next to the Student Center made the campus look bad to prospective students.
Thoughts and Prayers for Your Cancer Treatment
But no health insurance because you are no longer a full-time employee. Good luck with the class action lawsuit about the asbestos in the History Department building. It should be settled in about 10 years.
Sorry the Graveyard is Full
For years people who lived on Faculty Row were buried at The Groves of Academe Cemetery next to campus.
Now it has been bought by private equity, and professors can no longer afford to attend the great faculty meeting in the sky at this expensive graveyard.
Also Read: Get Rich Quick Schemes for Academics