Fred’s University Board Candidates For Annual Vote
Even though you were going to break up with him, you never forgave her for stealing your boyfriend Freshman year.
Creepy fascist-seeming guy who was not that bright and certainly not a go-getter but now has enough money to endow a Varsity Wrestling Wedgie Gym.
Woman who is much more successful than you at a career you are barely hanging on to. She messaged you on Linkedin under the guise of networking your “shared interests” in a thinly veiled attempt to get your vote. Hard no.
Woman whose official photo is definitely not a picture of her. Beyond photoshopped, this is a photo of a body double she hired with her vast ill-gotten oil sands fortune.
Man whose resume lists so many different jobs it would be physically impossible for him to do them all. Perhaps you can apply to do one of his extra fancy jobs for him.
Guy who is definitely a Russian agent. Not even hiding it! He might get my vote for sheer bravado, but he’s not going to get elected.
CIA woman who will of course be “elected.” They always have one on the Board to oversee their sham academic programs.
Man who is totally hiding his assets from his wife in advance of the surprise divorce he has for her and is looking to claim that he gave it all to his alma mater.
Person who stole the course books from the library the night before the all-important Chem exam back in the day. You saw him do it. Now he has two medical practices, six kids in private school, a labradoodle, a wife who won a Pulitzer, and zero shame while you never got into medical school.
Woman who seems to be both a prominent Republican and an active Democrat. How? Who are these people? Does Fred’s University make up these resumes?
Guy who is absolutely an international drug dealer who wants to use the university to launder money. Read between the many, many lines of his resume. It does not add up.
The incredibly over-qualified high-achiever who is genuinely working to better the world without so much as a humble brag. They actually left some big accomplishments off their resume. Being on the Board is a horrible job. They should be spared. Not voting for this good person is your public service for the year.
Since your ballot is going straight into the non-recycled trash along with the annual fund appeal, some vomit from your non-purebred dog you cleaned off the couch, and leftover tater tots that have gone bad, it’s not a hard call.
Also Read: The Types of Parents You Meet At Graduation