Advice Column from Your Tabby Cat
A Teacher at Public School Zero Asks for Advice on a Family Holiday Drama
Dear Butterscotch,
My batshit crazy mother-in-law demands we spend every holiday at her house. If we even hint at dividing the holidays with my parents she leaves non-stop threatening voicemail messages, including ones where she says nothing and just sobs.
When we are at her house for the holidays, my BSC MIL goes through my luggage, has regular meltdowns where she screams and cries, and demands everything go according to her timetable while doing little of the work herself.
My hubby supports me, but the brunt of my BSC MIL’s rages are directed at me. She actually left a scratch mark when she grabbed my arm one time.
It is hurting our relationship with our dog, who starts shivering as we approach her house and goes into a state of depression for several days after every holiday. While we are at the BSC MIL’s house the dog sometimes has accidents in the living room. He would never do that at home. Also: not good for our marriage.
This drama is making it impossible for me to focus on my teaching.
What to do?
Sincerely,
Poor Peeing Pooch
Dear Poor Peeing Pooch,
Disempowered matriarchs often assert what they see as the last vestige of power they hold by attempting to control family holidays.
This is the legacy of a patriarchal system where the only sphere women had any influence was in the home.
When older women have been cheated out of opportunities, they often feel they should be allowed the consolation prize of dictatorial control over family life.
The manipulative techniques your bat-shit crazy mother-in-law uses to enforce her will are sad examples of how disenfranchised women attempt to gain influence. They use guilt trips, pity traps, and exaggerated displays of childishness designed to provoke a protective reaction.
Women who have been told they can not speak for themselves often resort to regressive behaviors to get what they want.
I’m not surprised that your BSC MIL targets you. Women usually select women as the objects of abuse because they believe they can dominate women more easily than men. Older women in particular look to cultivate men for access/proximity to their power and protection. So other women become the victims of women’s rage instead of men in an internalized sexism.
From your letter, it is clear your MIL is suffering from mental illness. But that does not mean you have to cave in to her controlling behavior and narcissistic rages. Nor does your holiday have to become her narcissistic supply. (For an explanation of these terms see the Harry Potter Narcissistic Personality Disorder Explainer).
When she scratched you, your BSC MIL crossed a line. Now you need to draw a line with her.
Book a pet-friendly vacation for next year and let your mother-in-law know via polite and friendly voicemail that you won’t be attending.
There is no reasoning with someone like this. Do not waste your time. You’ll end up with more scratches, something I know all about since that’s how cats express themselves.
The problems with your BSC MIL go back to the roots of Western culture and you will not be able to debate them with a sick old lady.
After a few years, your BSC MIL will either come to accept your decision or she will cut you off.
Know that there is a small chance that your BSC MIL will secretly be relieved when you cancel on her: angry matriarchs who insist on holiday supremacy are often privately pretty sick of these events themselves. Even though your MIL might be a bit of a shirker in her old age, she probably has a lot of gender-assigned holiday labor in her history.
As for the possibility of her cutting you off, that might end up being a relief for you too.
While you are on the beach with your pooch, please write yourself a note promising to never pull this on your own children or future in-laws. End the generational trauma of holiday BS now! In the 21st century, it is within your power to assert yourself without resorting to babyish tantrums.
Also: consider getting a cat as your next pet. You can leave us behind and we never have accidents. Any peeing we do on the MIL’s floor is entirely intentional.
Meow!
Butterscotch
Also Read: Family Therapy Hand Gestures Handout