School Advice Column from Your Tabby Cat
My Kid Wants to Quit the Team
Dear Butterscotch,
My kid is a quitter and proud of it. There is no activity he won’t quit, the more expensive the nonrefundable deposit and or airfare the better. Prehistoric bird archeological dig? Arctic cross-country skiing? Knitting in the Czech Republic? Check, check and Czech.
The issue now is football. Our son is prepaid for the season at Public School Zero and in for a bunch of extra custom equipment as well. No surprise he wants to quit football and join the competitive macramé team.
I’m opposed and think he should learn to suck it up and take it like the man I hope he turns out to be. Also, I’m afraid my wife is raising my son to be a pussy (no offense to you, Butterscotch).
My ex-wife thinks I just want to get out of my obligation to pay for extracurriculars as required in our divorce agreement. I think she wants to drive up the cost of extracurriculars for our shared child so there’s no money left for my second set of kids.
My issue is with his reason. My son says the team is fascist. I was the quarterback on the All-State Champion team back in high school and I’m proud of that. I suspect my son is trying to get at me by saying football is fascist.
How can I get him to see the positives of football and avoid the very high macramé team fees?
NB the macrame team is committed to sustainability so all the yarn is organic natural fiber at ten times the cost of acrylic.
Signed,
Frustrated QB Daddy
Dear Frustrated QB Daddy,
You and your wife are both right. The two of you are using your son as a human football in your unresolved divorce. I call foul. Cut that out now.
As for the football team, your son is also right.
For starters, tackle football puts children at risk for brain damage. Don’t pretend you don’t know this. You do.
If you’re trying to soothe your conscience with that tiny study that showed 18 kids didn’t immediately show signs of brain disease from tackle football don’t make me laugh. Symptoms come later in life. Kids who smoke don’t immediately have lung cancer either.
The fact that you would put your child in harm’s way is a symptom of both the fascistic nature of the sport and possibly late-life brain damage you suffered as a quarterback yourself.
Fascism is about violence in the name of a coercive collective run by authoritarian masterminds. The authority you want to wield over your son is part of the way fascism plays into the darkest impulses of patriarchy to dominate and control the individual in public displays of brutality which suppress opposition.
Hitler, Franco and Mussolini all used public sporting events to build their fascist regimes and showcase their power on a Roman model. Across the globe, extremist movements are using the same playbook to promote fascism and foment hate today. Take heed before it’s too late.
Your authoritarian impulse to hurt your son and make him do something against his will is a manifestation of the social and physical violence of the sport. The underlying misogyny and homophobia you demonstrate, as well as anti-cat sentiment, are part of the same toxic sports culture.
But you loved playing football, you want to reply!
Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome? Research shows it appears in team sports as well. Kids want to please their parents. They want to belong. If we give them crappy things to belong to, they will learn to love them just like they learn to love your fat fascist ass.
In this case, your son is more interested in pleasing his mother than he is in pleasing you.
Again, I say cut out the BS where you triangulate the kid with your ex. Gross.
Get out your macramé sticks buddy and wind up that fair trade shade-grown yak fur.
Love me a ball of yarn!
Butterscotch
Also Read: Concussion Club