Fred’s University has given up on trying to improve its ranking on US News and World Report, and is instead focusing on bringing up its rank on Google search.
As part of their new initiative, the Beleaguered Tech Consultant, a full-time IT employee who was fired in the last round of budget cuts and rehired as a contract worker without benefits, has issued a set of directives to improve online visibility.
This is called Search Engine Optimization or SEO because that sounds so official.
Most important for raising Fred’s rank on Google is that the website provide answers to common questions that can appear in the little box at the top of a search. That little “Google Answer Snippet” with a simple answer to your question is part of Google’s Search Engine Results Features or SERP, and it is important to SEO.
By providing good answers to Google for questions people ask Google, you are helping Google do its business for free. The reward for this great grift should be that people visit your website and give you exposure online.
If that doesn’t work, and it won’t, you can pay Google to display your site when certain “keywords” are typed into Google. But since Fred’s University does not have the budget to pay for keyword advertising, it needs to stick to SEO and trying to appear on SERP. This sad little strategy is doomed to fail, but it gives people something to do which is what office life is all about.
What is SEO?
The Beleaguered Tech Consultant is not totally sure what SEO really is, but suggests you Google it. When you do, a Google Snippet will appear explaining what SEO is based on Google’s SERP. So fun!
Do you suspect search engine science is an imaginary world designed by Google to make you click on more of their products, buy more ads from them, and give them more of your data? Are the ideas behind the push for Search Engine Optimization really just another way for Google to own you, one that digs deep into your brain and automates your thoughts for Google’s monetization?
Is SERP really a way to organize data online, or is it a way to organize you to produce data for Google to sell back to you?
Are SERP and SEO really a dystopian Dungeons and Dragons game gone wrong that ends up costing you money?
Think you now know what SERP and SEO are based on this keyword-optimized post? LMAO. Forget SEO and all the money you spent on it. Now the most important factor is Search Engine Intent, SEI. Because all the money that has been made on SEO has been made already. And all the employees you hired for SEO have become obsolete.
Now it’s time to monetize another concept that could be just re-named How Google Makes Money Off You (HGMMOY). And by the way, with new models, Google will set up new dashboards and logins so they can collect even more of your personal data to sell on their keywords.
Congratulations if you realized that this answer would never appear in the Google Answer Box Snippet at the top of your browser!
What Can Fred’s University Do To Improve Google Rank?
The Beleaguered Tech Consultant suggests that hiring back full-time tech staff with benefits would make a big difference to Fred University’s Google ranking.
She even hinted that disgruntled employees have intentionally tanked Fred’s University Search Engine Optimization for their website.
In the meantime, the Beleagured Tech Consultant asks all staff who contribute to the Fred’s University website and related academic blogs to focus their content on answering common questions in an attempt to get included as Google’s top result in Snippets.
Here are some examples of good SERP answer content the Beleagured has suggested, which have been incorporated into a sweeping policy statement from the Dean of SEO (soon to be replaced by the Dean of SEI).
What’s The Difference Between Drug and Drink Schools?
Fred’s University ranks high for this Google query. You can read Fred U’s top post on this topic here:
There Are Two Kinds of Schools: Boozer and Stoner
Beleaguered already optimized this post back when she was a salaried employee and advertised it on related keywords. Don’t expect current posts to get the same TLC optimization from part-time employees.
What Time Is It
This is one of the top ten questions people Google, with 1,830,000 searches this year. Although it is very hard to rank on Google with a popular search, especially since Google uses a digital clock to answer this question, and the clever little website https://time.is/ already has the top ranking, it is worth giving it the Old College Try.
Here is a suggested answer to this perennial question:
It is time to start treating Fred’s University employees as human beings and not as pawns in a budget game for the Board of Trustees. It is time for lower-level university employees to be given the same benefits as the top admin who are siphoning off the university budget for their own salaries.
Where is My Refund
This is the second most popular question people ask Google.
From the top answers Google offers to this question, it appears that Google thinks 7,4000,000 people are waiting by the mailbox for our IRS tax refund. That may be. But some of us have no hope of getting a refund from the IRS. Some of us owe money to the IRS and will until the end of time.
Some of us have other refunds we are waiting for and perhaps Fred’s University would have a better chance of ranking on a less popular question than IRS checks.
Here is an example answer to the Where Question “Where is my refund…?”
Where is my refund for the years of education I put into mastering SEO and the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on SEO training to work for Google selling their SEO? Where is the refund for the best years of my life that I put into IT working at Fred’s University? Where is the refund for the after-hours meetings and the weekend tech “emergencies” and the custom-cut screen protector I bought for my work computer? There is no refund! There are only more mandated unpaid certifications and predatory training programs and overpriced conferences where Bob steals all the good doughnuts and asks me to get him coffee.
What is a Pyramid Scheme?
More people should Google this. Sadly, data probably shows that people are usually too late to Google “What is a Pyramid Scheme” and only do so once their life savings are gone.
Here is a suggested answer:
When Google ranks a keyword people type into Google search based on the traffic they drive to those words with their secret algorithms, and then charges you money to advertise to people using that keyword, and then drives up the cost of advertising to that keyword based on the further traffic it is sending to the keyword via your advertising, and then creates further services to charge you to improve keyword rank and create ads to show on the networks they created to rank the keywords they invented. That is a pyramid scheme.
Why Women Kill
One of the top “Why Questions” on Google is “Why women kill.”
As a trusted academic source, Fred’s University might be able to rank on this question above suspect domains like RatPoisonForYourBoss.com and sites with low domain authority on Ubersuggest like ReasonsYourBossShouldDie.com that don’t look good on SERP.
Here’s a suggested answer to try to make the Google Answer Box:
Women don’t kill as many people as men do, especially considering all the world wars women had no vote in, but if women were to want to kill it would be because they are treated as invisible coffee holders in the male-dominated world of tech. Or maybe women want to kill because, after all their schooling, only 38% of women who majored in computer science are working in the field. Or maybe it is because women were promised secure jobs and income at the start of the Ponzi Scheme that is Big Tech and instead are the last ones holding the tiny bag of devalued pension stocks as the world economy is tanked by the Money Bros who have already cashed out and will benefit from another recession. What’s the difference between a Ponzi Scheme and a Pyramid Scheme? Google it before it is too late.
Recession Proof Searches?
Cats.
Fred’s University needs to double down on its cat content if it wants to weather the world economic plunge that is devastating universities. Beleaguered suggests getting rid of the Semiotics Department and the Department of Old Ideas and replacing it with a Department of Cat Videos.
The incoming Dean of SEI is mandating that at least 15% of all content posted to Fred’s University must be cat-related. It is hoped that the feline initiative will help stem the despair brought on by the SERP mandate.
In the meantime, please relax to Fred University’s number one video:
Also Read: How To Push A Negative Story Off The Front Page of Google