After a spate of bad reviews hurt profits, Fred Med Hospital hired marketing consultant, Mark Miwords to up its ratings. Mark’s first suggestion? Generate positive reviews by offering incentives to patients to spread the love about Fred Med.
At first, the President and CEO of Fred Med was reluctant. But Mark pointed out that 30% of online reviews are fake. Companies create their own bogus reviews or pay for good reviews in exchange for products. Although Amazon has banned product giveaways to reviewers, the practice has adapted with third-party companies outsourcing the illicit practice through back channels.
In order to compete on product ratings, you basically have to cheat too. Everyone does it!
It’s pretty easy to spot fake reviews online.
Here are some tell-tale signs of fake reviews:
Novelistic detail running to multiple screens in length with lots of references to “my hot girlfriend.”
Technical lingo pasted from the product manual you will definitely have to consult to assemble this sucker.
Robotic sounding turns of phrase.
Puppy-level enthusiasm about inkjet cartridges!!! ?????
Red flags of mercenary reviewers:
Lots of pictures of “my hot girlfriend” in multiple reviews all taken on the same day wearing the same revealing red dress with weird peek-a-boo arm holes against the intriguing background of an aggressively anonymous suburban house featuring a bed strewn with Amazon packages.
Five-star reviews for every product, even when the text is only mildly enthusiastic about the neck brace, septic tank cleaner, wart remover, or cockroach castle.
A certain plodding sadness in the internalized voice of consumer promotion that is barely bolstered by the promise of meager wages to sell your supposed authenticity to generate a flicker in the house of mirrors that is consumer capitalism.
Yes, you can use an app like ReviewMeta to sniff out fake reviews, but that takes all the fun out of it.
The CEO of Fred Med got very interested in fake reviews when he realized that he could meet two marketing goals with one campaign. Fred Med has been seeing some falloff in its profitable Unnecessary Surgery Unit and when Mark Miwords suggested that giving away free surgeries might boost business, the CEO was all in.
Some of the free surgeries that Fred Med will be offering in exchange for reviews include routine spinal fusion for back pain, tonsillectomies, gallbladder removal, and hysterectomy since these often unnecessary surgeries offer the best return on investment for Fred Med.
If the program is successful, Fred Med hopes to expand its program to include other high-earning unnecessary surgeries targeting old people. Noting that according to a Lown Institute Study, even in the first year of the pandemic, seniors were subjected to over 100,000 useless or dangerous surgeries, the CEO sees a lot of opportunity among older patients. Good earners are stents for stable coronary disease, knee arthroscopy, and vertebroplasty for osteoporosis.
Another marketing strategy in development would use geolocation to target patients who are already in the hospital for free medical tests in exchange for reviews. Unnecessary medical tests are a $200 billion dollar industry and are easier to cover up than outdated surgeries. If Fred Med can capture some of that market and also improve its online ratings the CEO can expect to cash in on performance-based bonuses built into his contract and finally build that lodge in Aspen.
Initial results are encouraging and made it past scam filters.
★★★★★
Fab knee surgery! Only six weeks to recover my previous level of movement. My girlfriend thinks it’s hot.
★★★★★
Excellent gorgeous delightful happy pretty tonsillectomy. Would recommend it to anyone who wants to be in pain for no good reason. Don’t bother with the cheaper, easier alternatives! Plus lots of complications so you get to go back to the hospital where the steamed haddock with powdered mashed potatoes is really really really delicious!
★★★★★
If I could give zero stars I would. But I can’t because I agreed to write this review in exchange for a free spinal fusion that I should have googled before checking into the hospital. A nice nurse took me aside and asked if I was being given this unnecessary surgery because I’m black, given that hospitals target BOPC patients for expense nonsense. But I explained no it’s because I’m a top internet reviewer. Other problems? I was not given enough anesthesia (hello, racism), and while I should have been under I overheard the surgeon saying he had to go back because he left a sponge behind. At least he noticed. After the surgery, a nurse pulled up the chart of someone with a similar name to my very-common name and gave me the wrong meds. The AC did not work in my room and the window unit (!!!) emitted a creepy black smoke. On the upside, the steamed haddock entree was quite tasty. Save your money! Googling the reviews on your hospital procedure is free.
★★★★★
Very happy with my hysterectomy and would def go back to Fred Med for another one. Dr. Dan was sooooo cool! Loved his cute pink unicorn scrubs! Snatched! ??????????
Also Read: Racism Is A Medical Error