In keeping with our commitment to reduce the carbon footprint of redundant Five Paragraph Essays, Public School Zero has decided on new austerity measures for graduation speeches. Noting that the environmental cost of live-streaming school events is high, PSZ is moving to aggressively reduce the boring parts of graduation.
Public School Zero also hopes that by making graduation less boring, it can reduce the amount of time students spend entertaining themselves on TikTok during the event, resulting in further carbon reduction.
Strict new measures will apply to the Valedictorian, the commencement speaker, and the Vice-Principal. The time limit on speeches is now four minutes, and only one inspirational cliche is allowed per address. Noting as Rachel Garlinghouse explains that entitled self-help messages can be destructive, speakers will be fined if they suggest that anyone can do anything, that your circumstances don’t matter, or that white privilege is earned by hard work and determination.
Austerity measures do not apply to the Principal, who plans to re-tell a beloved anecdote about how pure grit and determination allowed him to succeed his father in the job of Principal after his father retired.