Featured real estate listing from the current issue of the Richard E Rich alumni magazine (soon to be moldering unread in the hall bathroom poop reading rack).
Island Rental
Our beloved island house, featured in a painting by the daughter of a famous artist, is for rent to the right kind of person. It is available between when we need it for our son’s wedding to the offspring of another prominent island family, and the Annual Museum of Insider Art Benefit Dance to be held on the side lawn. Dates to be finalized after an exhausting landline answering machine exchange and some correspondence from our lawyer, retired Uncle Dickie.
Of course, we may pop back in any time to look for missing documents related to inheritance litigation or check if you are leaving wet towels on the 100-year-old upholstery (which is expressly forbidden).
Aunt Amanda, who is living in the cottage next door, has some mild cognitive impairment and is known to wander out onto the private beach in the buff for an evening swim. No, the curtains do not match the carpet. We think the hair dye may have caused her dementia.
Speaking of which–do not use the antique sinks for dyeing anything! They stain easily.
We are listing the old manse as having ten bedrooms, though two are former maid’s rooms in the unventilated attic, and one is the old chauffeur’s room attached to the rat-infested carriage house. Expect a bitter family fight about who gets one of the three grand rooms facing the water and later revenge via clogged toilets.
Speaking of which–bring your own toilet plungers–it is more sanitary than sharing in these troubled times.
A 1937 Chris-Craft Runabout is anchored by the dock. Whatever you do, do not use this beautiful antique wooden motor boat! Severe injury could result. Aunt Amanda protects this boat, her late father’s pride, with a Revolutionary War rifle she also believes she inherited from him (in fact the ownership is in dispute).
Please bring your own rifle. The collection of historic arms displayed on the wall of the drawing room are not for renter use.
There is a caterer’s kitchen, a caretaker’s kitchen and a butler’s pantry–but no staff. You can cast around to find local “ethnics” (I understand we are not supposed to use that term anymore but don’t know what we are supposed to say instead) for cleaning, house repairs and unclogging toilets. You might also need someone to gently return Aunt Amanda to her own cottage in the evenings.
NB Aunt Amanda likes a naked massage and hot toddy right before bed.
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**Starred Comment**
EthnicEddie
I see alum real estate listings are back after being quashed by AirBnB. One can only assume that in the pandemic, clannish preppies only want to rent to their own kind.
No matter that Grandaddy Grum got Covid at the Country Club while wearing his tartan mask at half-mast! Or that Brandy picked it up on her spring break share on the Riviera. Or that Uncle Albert died when he caught his hospital bed on fire in an attempt to have a last smoke before the Covid got him. (These are real examples I found in past issues of the alumni magazine).
As soon as rich white people heard that the poorer less white people who work for them were at most risk from Covid, they rushed to shut those people out rather than protecting them. (If you don’t believe me, maybe you believe NPR, see “White People Cared Less About Covid After Learning Other Races Were Hit Harder, Data Shows,” NPR).
Of course, the charm of alum listings also includes the opportunity to avoid humiliating public reviews of your saggy mattresses and anemic microwave. Not to mention a shared understanding of the shabby preppy aesthetic and the problems of a declining stock portfolio in generation six.
Please stop running these snobby ads! As an “ethnic” I don’t want your decrepit lead-poisoned legacy house! I have my own mansion with working plumbing and I welcome Aunt Amanda any time for a drink on my Vanquish VQ48 daysailor. Clothing optional. Bottoms up!
Also Read: Beach House Borrow