Feedback from the Richard E Rich Academy community shows that students think our promotion of diversity and inclusion is “performative.” (In answer to questions from Boomer trustees, performative allyship=fake).
We have censored that feedback in our latest testimonial brochure and instead printed happy smiley comments written by our Diversity Equity and Inclusion consultant, which we paired with photos of the One Asian Student surrounded by White Lax Bros as per usual.
But pressure from the One Black Trustee has made us wonder if we don’t need to buy a new type of DEI package for Richard R Rich Academy: Non-Performative Allyship Services.
As per usual, we censored the comments of the One Black Trustee, so you cannot find the discussion on this topic in the very long but incomplete minutes from our most recent Board meeting.
But in case someone was secretly recording the meeting, it is noted that the One Black Trustee did not want to hire another consultant service and advised us to follow the suggestions of students on how to do this right.
We are proud to announce the following steps will be taken immediately.
Non-Performative Allyship Phase One
The Non-Performative Allyship logo will appear on all web and print communications beginning with our Black History Fried Chicken and Watermelon Dinner menu. Followed by our apology for our Black History Fried Chicken and Watermelon Dinner.
Non-Performative Allyship Phase Two
At our kickoff event, Non-Performative Allyship logo items will be distributed to all students and staff (excluding custodial and kitchen staff).
- T-shirts (size XS-M only)
- Theoretically reusable but non-recyclable water bottles in a style no one likes
- Bumper stickers (for old people)
- Laptop stickers (for younger people)
- Pens (for literally no one)
- A plastic bag to hold it all (for landfill)
- Rainbow Pride merch that old/clueless people won’t realize is an LGBQT promo.
Richard E Rich Academy will cheerfully pay the huge markup the Non-Performative Allyship Services company charges on these items, even though we all know children make them in sweatshops and poorly-monitored factories in countries for pennies.
As part of being non-performative (in this case, that means: not bragging), we will not even mention the outrageous markup.
Shout out to the Buildings and Grounds staff for cleaning up the refuse after our kickoff! No, you will not receive overtime pay.
Non-Performative Allyship Phase Three
The genius of Non-Performative Allyship is that since it is supposed to be secret, there is no way for the public to know if we have really done it.
Here are some non-performative things we could do. Theoretically.
Pay a living wage to the Haitian dining hall workers who work 12-hour days waiting on our little princes and princesses.
Provide the same sick pay and health insurance benefits to the dining hall workers as to the teachers and admin staff.
Provide English language classes to the recent immigrants who work cleaning the school at very low wages.
Remove the teachers and admins who are known to have a history of racist statements and actions. Yes, of course, we do know who these people are. No, we have not saved the vast number of records of their misdeeds. Yes, we continue to feign shock and surprise any time one of these known criminals commits a fresh act of flagrant racism. Could we get rid of these people? Actually, we could. We just never do.
Kick out the students who post racist stuff, use racist epithets, and torture minority students. Not just say we are going to take this seriously. Not just recommend a day of suspension. Not just give them an understanding pat and talk about the need to reinforce our values. Kick them out.
Get rid of dress codes. All dress codes are gender, sexuality, class, and race codes. For uniforms, everyone should be able to wear any element they like, and the cost should be included in financial aid. And before you reply that the standards of neatness and cleanliness are universal, read this from the Brookings Institution: “School Dress Codes and Grooming Codes are the New Whites Only Signs” by Andre M. Perry.
Provide all the amenities that rich kids have to the kids who are on full scholarships. Make it possible for students to go home for all breaks and to bring their parents to all school events. Provide financial aid students with the same vacation programs that give rich kids an academic advantage. Give less privileged students a food and clothing allowance that allows them to enter into the traditions of the school, from down coats to Thai Takeout Tuesdays.
Ban tokenizing. It should be a rule that no student is put on the spot and asked to “represent” their culture, race, gender, sexual orientation, or socio-economic group.
Stop pretending we can’t diversify our staff. We can. We just fail to post our jobs in the right places and fail to cultivate the right networks. By relying on the same old rich white straight network, we excuse ourselves from having to do the work of opening up our faculty.
Calculate the original salary of female and minority faculty and administrators who were hired at a lower rate than their white male peers. Pay them the annual difference for every year of employment plus interest. Adjust their current salaries, so women and minorities are now equal with peers who started at the same time. A lot of money? A huge amount of money.
Give equal weight in admissions to credentials like working at Mcdonald’s as credentials like internships at NASA arranged by parents and Godparents.
Provide an anonymous link to report acts of discrimination. Prompt replies every month. Follow up all alumni correspondence with the link, understanding that it is often impossible for students to report what is happening to them in the moment, and it is only years later that it is possible to come forward with the truth.
But did we do these things? For us to have done them right, we could not publicize them. Maybe we did. Minutes of our meeting to discuss the progress of our NPA have been removed from the record as per usual.
Rejected Proposals For Non-Performative Allyship
We rejected the following student suggestions from NPAS on the grounds that anyone could check to see if we had, in fact, followed through on our promises. That would be performative! The whole point of this exercise is to be non-performative. We have pledged to avoid virtue signaling and intend to follow through on that promise.
Return the Indian Burial Ground and the land around it to the tribe whose ancestors are buried there. Yes, it would mean identifying the specific tribe whose history is hidden at the edge of campus and treating them as human beings instead of a folkloric cliche. Yes, it would mean locating the human remains hidden in the storage area of The Museum of Insider Art instead of enjoying them as a prop in Freshman hazing rituals.
Hang the portrait of the former Head of The Girls’ School and her wife in the gallery of portraits of Heads with their heterosexual spouses in the Head’s House living room. Yes, the Gallery of Insider Art has the portrait in storage.
Include the custodial staff in the Hall of Portraits memorializing teachers and admins.
Destroy the portraits of rapists and harassers on the faculty. You thought they were gone? No, those portraits were moved out of the central hall but are still hanging in back rooms.
Provide free menstrual products in every bathroom. Don’t you think they should be free? Maybe we can offset the cost of menstrual supplies by putting in metered toilet paper dispensers and making people pay for TP by the square.
Require work duty for students in every aspect of their care: garbage collection, bathroom cleaning, food service, snow shoveling, shampooing carpets stained by drunken parties, pest control for rat infestations from pilfered dining hall food, removal of 100 lbs of shaving cream from a senior prank. Do not create special “nice” assignments for privileged kids (giving tours, assisting at the Dean’s Teas).
Begin each term with a discussion about rape and harassment that includes boys instead of warning girls only.
Stop dividing all activities into “girls” and “boys.”
Introduce students to the dining hall and custodial staff at welcoming events.
Allow custodial, buildings and grounds, and dining hall workers to use the same bathrooms as students, faculty and administrators.
Allow children of custodial, buildings, grounds, and dining hall workers to use the playgrounds and pools.
Also Read: Hands Off The Dress Code