A recent workplace lawsuit cited the outsized amount of “office housekeeping” assigned to women, especially women of color, at the Association of Imaginary Schools. These office tasks, include arranging birthday parties, baby showers, and receptions for the beloved company cat, Ringo. In Seen, Heard and Paid: The New Work Rules for the Marginalized, Alan Henry argues that office housework takes a large amount of time and effort without providing any opportunity for advancement. This admin housework sets women up for subservient domestic roles in the office. Cat hair is also an issue.
In an attempt to solve the problem of racism and sexism in the distribution of invisible work, the Association of Imaginary Schools hired an outsourcing consultant who manages all social activities of the office.
When an employee is onboarded, they log in to the Outsourcing Dashboard and fill out an extensive questionnaire indicating their preferences for an array of social situations and meaning there will never have to be another annoying email about the gluten-free frosting.
Type of Birthday Cake (red dye #40, infantilizing Disney characters, X-Rated ok?)
Type of Birthday Candle (magic relighting candles that spread maximum Covid germs and/or organic beeswax costing more than the cake?)
Surprise Party Advance Directives (Never, Absolutely Never, and Yes, Pease! are the options)
Restaurants You Refuse To Go To (food poisoning history, restraining order against staff, bad vibes from the retirement party of The Old Harasser)
Bank Routing Number for Contributions for Gifts For People Who Don’t Need Them Minus 15% Processing Fee Approximating Usual Theft
Your E-signature (to be affixed to cards along with your choice of snarky comments for any occasion)
Religious objections to: Halloween (pagan), President’s Day (idolatry), Valentine’s Day (stupid)?
How You Want To Be Treated By Your Close Friends In The Office When You Are Fired (It Never Happened, I’ll Murder The Pigs, Here Is A New Universal Password to the Company Portal)
Signup to Take Ringo the Office Cat Home For Break Along With His Allergy Medication Schedule And Preferred Cat Litter Cleaning Schedule
Excuses Why You Can’t Come to Company Ropes Course Retreat in Paramus at the Boss’s Brother-in-Law’s Failing Resort (Please list)
An unexpected objection came from Bobby, who rallied around the women who complained they were forced to do all this work before, and testified at the trial that management insisted women “like” these jobs, “are naturally better at them,” and know how to add the “Mom juice.”
It turns out Bobby does like doing these jobs and is very good at them. He has a side hustle as an event planner for divorces and returns from rehab. All this time, Bobby just wanted to be asked to run the parties. And he is not happy with the work of the corporate consultants.
The dollar value of outsourcing also turns out to be surprisingly high, the equivalent of a full-time employee. Bobby suggests that the consultant’s job description should be added to his own and that his salary should be adjusted to reflect the savings on the outside contractor. Plus he will do a much better job in-house and has a special relationship with Ringo.
As an opening salvo in his campaign to take over the party jobs, Bobby has assembled a detailed questionnaire about Ringo designed to weed out unqualified staff from the Ringo Rota. The consultant had arranged for an auto-ship of Feline Pine litter when Ringo prefers an underlayment of crystals with a twice-daily cover of Cedarific.
Bobby is the first to admit that the work the consultant did to coordinate the company credit card with the local bakery and catering outfit, as well as eliminating a large number of annual office events it turned out everyone hated, have reduced the onerous aspects of the job considerably.
While the consultant pocketed the money “saved” on canceled events, Bobby intends to invest that money in a margarita machine for the break room, a robotic litter box, and therapy for the victims of office sexism.
Also Read: The Office Fridge: Friday Poem