State of School Translation
When you start a job as the new Head of School you will be briefed by the Board and the outgoing Head of School. These briefings are usually more honest than the booster propaganda you were served during the interview process. But it is common practice to paper over problems and let the new Head learn the hard way that the basement storage area leaks and the Development Director is an ex-con.
Here is a translator key to some of the things you may find in the State of the School Summary left on your desk on the first day at work.
“The Executive Administrative Assistant is a gem, trust her with the most sensitive projects”
Translation:
The Executive Administrative Assistant is the person who wrote up the State of the School. She used to be known as the receptionist but changed her title without consulting anyone when you were hired. She doesn’t need to ask permission to change her title. The EAA secretly runs the school. She controls the purse strings, the teaching assignments, and the backstory at Richard E Rich Academy.
Until she trusts you, the EAA will not give you the passwords you need to access sensitive documents related to the upcoming lawsuit, or the name of the plumber who responds to weekend calls. If the EAA does not like you, she will get you removed from your job within a year.
Her Love Language is Acts of Service, so forget the flowers, chocolates, and spa certificates. It is not a good idea to hold an elaborate Appreciation Assembly for the EAA with a song dedicated to her and her favorite baby goats because she prefers to remain out of sight behind the scenes.
If you want to win the respect of the EAA you are going to have to fire the Racist Old Codger Gym Teacher whose family are major donors, and finally pay for electric under-pavement driveway snow-melters.
The EAA left a cost-benefit analysis of the snow melters on your desk and the upshot is the cost will look terrible for you on your first financial summary report and only start paying for itself in year five when you will probably already have moved on to the next school. After the five-year mark, the heater will start saving the school a huge amount of money and drastically reduce maintenance staffing problems.
“Alumni engagement is at an all-time high”
Translation:
A recent lawsuit related to leaked files from the 1990s has caused a furor among the alumni who are boycotting Reunion Week this year. You were told that this was a small run-of-the-mill prep school child abuse scandal and that everything was under control and being handled by a reputable Boarding School Sexual Harassment Cover-Up Consulting Firm. You were told all the best prep schools have abuse scandals.
As it turns out, this has turned into a full-blown legal case and the prosecution has a treasure trove of files that show that every member of the administration knew about the abuse and actively covered it up. The files related to the incident include photographs, transcribed testimony, and videotape. While it remains a mystery how the accusers were able to access confidential Richard E Rich Academy files, the content has now become public.
“Richard E Rich Academy has robust support from major donors”
Translation:
Most major donors have withdrawn support from the school pending the resolution of the lawsuit. The significant donors still on board are those with ties to the abusive administrators. Alums are putting pressure on Richard E Rich to refuse donations from tainted sources.
“Our Historic Campus is an Architectural Treasure”
Translation:
The two main classroom buildings lack wheelchair ramps and other accessibility features. Adding these features would mean a gut renovation. All three of the donors who were lined up to pay for these projects have withdrawn since the abuse case.
A field of abandoned solar panels from a once-cutting-edge 1970s project is now considered toxic waste by the state and remediation efforts will cost over a million dollars. The solar panels were placed near a wetland area and there are concerns that heavy metals in the panels could be leaking into the water table.
Regardless of the cause, the water is not safe to drink except in the Varsity Gym, the Varsity Sports Injury Therapy Facility, the Concussion Recovery Center, and the Hall of Disgraced Donors.
The main driveway leading into campus has a drainage problem related to a damaged culvert. Ice now forms on the steepest part of the driveway on most winter days and has been the cause of three car accidents and two broken limbs. Since a maintenance crew member was injured trying to chip away at the ice with a pick, the crew has refused to clear the driveway by hand, and expensive subcontractors must be brought in to plow most cold winter days. The Head of Maintenance is expected to be a star witness in the upcoming lawsuit.
“Richard E Rich Academy Leads in Athletics”
Translation:
Richie Rich Academy leads in sports injuries. No prep school has had as many. Last year in addition to a high concussion rate, one student was paralyzed for life.
Two sadistic coaches are responsible for most of the injuries but everyone is too scared to confront them.
“There are Lots of Opportunities for Saving Money in the Budget”
Translation:
The school is operating at a deficit and there is no way to balance the budget. Every year the shortfall is greater. You will not be able to solve this problem, instead expect it to get worse.
The previous Head of School attempted to save money by cutting the popular Miniature Goat Therapy Program. He saw it as a waste of resources and disliked stepping on wet goat dung on the quad. Do not follow in his footsteps.
You will hear rumors that the goats were responsible for damage to the culvert which is causing the ice issues on the main driveway. Some speculate that the damaged culvert may be releasing contaminants from the abandoned solar field onto the frequently flooded main quad. It has been suggested that one of the goats died from the solar effluvia raising more concerns.
You will soon learn that both the sadistic coaches and the Racist Old Codger have it in for the goats. They see the Therapy Goats as hippie BS which undermines athletic school spirit and drains funds from their programs. These three men are responsible for spreading lies about the goats and possibly poisoning the youngest baby goat, Theodore.
That’s the backstory.
Under no circumstances should you try to cut the Therapy Goats.
It is not just that the goats are the pets of the Executive Administrative Assistant. The goats are the only thing holding this school together after the paralyzing soccer accident.
If you decide to go after the goats, pack your bags. Your days are numbered.
Also Read: Head’s Secret Handbook: How Not To Get Fired