A contentious faculty meeting last night at Richard E Rich Academy ended in a shout-down between two teachers: one advocating for a Tattling Ban, and one arguing for a Responsive Classroom approach to Tattling that lets kids know they are heard.
The first teacher, Mr. T, described tattling as a sadistic/neurotic behavior designed to get other kids in trouble just for the fun of it. The other teacher, Ms.R, wants to prevent a “culture of silence” that stifles students who may need to report serious abuse.
Mr. T and Ms. R have been enemies since preschool when their divorced parents married each other in a situation that was not at all like The Brady Bunch.
There were other voices at the meeting. One teacher asked that we distinguish between tattling vs telling: malicious snitching versus righteous whistleblowing. This teacher gave the well-known examples of Kvetching Carrie in first grade who is just plain annoying, versus Troy who revealed that the EduTech consultant was molesting kids in the supply closet.
The notoriously long-winded school psychologist pointed out that tattling is developmentally appropriate behavior for young children. Toddlers hit to resolve a conflict, preschoolers tell, eight-year-olds gossip, and teenagers either work it out or shoot out their school. His very long Powerpoint was perhaps designed to stifle the anger of the teachers who were tattling on tattlers.
After the psychologist disassembled his PowerPoint setup with excruciating slowness, the drippy and disliked school guidance counselor offered a series of constructive responses to tattling. They ranged from creating an “Incident Report” for kids to fill out, to empathic listening, Tattle Drops to soothe tattlers and Teddy Bear Therapy for both victims and bystanders. To illustrate her comments she held her Trauma Teddy in a tight embrace as she spoke in a whiney voice.
While the school guidance counselor spoke, the Tattle Banner filled out one of her “Incident Report” handouts with attacks on the Responsive Classroom teacher for enabling cancel culture, petty gossip and snowflake storms.
Ms. R attempted to reach out to the Tattle Banner and gently suggested that the fact he had so much tattling in his classroom might be a sign of a deeper problem, like poor classroom management.
As the meeting wound down, Zander, the ten-year-old son of the Associate Head Of School, whose babysitter had canceled at the last minute, took the microphone. He announced in an affectless voice that kids tattle because school is totally unfair. The rules are fake and lots of kids don’t have to follow them.
“When we realize there is, like, no justice, then we start tattling.”
Zander refused to accept either the Trauma Bear or his mother attempting to shush him from the dais. Right before his mom turned off his mic, the child added, “And Mr.T keyed Ms. R’s car during the break.”
After some reflection over a jar of confiscated Tattle Drops, the Head of School decided not to include minutes from the meeting in his usual monthly newsletter and wrote up the Associate Head for bringing her school to an after-hours meeting which is a violation of Richard E Rich Academy staff policy.
Passing Zander in the staff kitchen, where the boy was eating day-old birthday cake left over from a faculty party, the Head of School muttered, “No one likes a tattletale.”
“I can hear you,” Zander answered. “And I’m pretty sure this cake is not really gluten-free.”
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