Plus: How we have to change with the times to bring in more money
A Development Director at Fred’s University Shares His Secrets
So-called Trophy Wives have been a weak link for school fundraising focusing on men.
The glitch is death. As fundraisers, we are usually very pro-death. Death brings the great legacy bequest payout we are working for; it is the divine development payday. The death of a patriarch usually means that a man’s money flows back into the patriarchal institutions that boosted him in life. But Late Stage Patriarchy is making that a lot more complicated.
On average, women outlive men, which means all the work we have put into raising money from the husband in a heterosexual marriage is in danger once the man dies. What will the wife do with her husband’s money?
Until quite recently, women had little say or control in their husband’s estate plans, and the first wife was often willing to go along with what the husband had laid out for his alma mater.
The standard wisdom was that, even once she had control of the family fortune, the first wife was more likely to give to her husband’s school than to her own. I was told this as a rookie, and I still hear it. While I question this dictum, the belief that wealthy women give to their husband’s alma mater and neglect their school is self-reinforcing. Fewer development resources have been spent on wives of rich men, and they continue to give less to their own schools. Note: this sexist oversight represents an excellent opportunity for the clever development officer. More on that later!
But the first wife is likely to honor the wishes of her late husband and make good on that promised bequest to his old school. She is also likely to keep up regular payments to his alma mater from her inheritance.
Not so likely with later wives.
The problem area for a patriarch-centered development plan is the second or third wife, who does not feel as invested in the dead husband’s long-term estate plan. For the last wife, there is a natural competition for resources between the husband’s commitments earlier in life (including to his children with other wives) and her own needs. Resources are scarcer for the last wife, and she has longer left to live than her hubby’s high school sweetheart.
In Late Stage Patriarchy, women are still dispensable. A rich man marries a woman to build his social status by taking care of his house, children and ego. When the first wife is worn out and devalued by her age, the rich man ditches the first wife for a younger, more “attractive” woman to symbolize the youth and sexual vigor he has lost.
The term “Trophy Wife” literally objectifies the later spouse, making her into a brass cup at a golf tournament award banquet for the financially virile man who takes possession of her. We might as well call her a “Nurse Spouse” since the age difference all but guarantees she will nurse her older husband to death. Maybe we could call him the Diaper Husband.
But in Late Stage Patriarchy, women have almost by accident acquired some rights and some financial autonomy. At first, this was just a side-effect of the American revolution against patriarchal authority waged by men who rebelled against the male-preference primogeniture, which made for a winner-take-all culture that sucked for most men. (No footnote for the scholar who originated this idea as he turns out to be a rapist).
After the Civil War, married women started gaining property rights state by state. By the 1960’s women were allowed to have their own bank accounts in every state. And since 1974, women have been allowed to have their own credit cards.
Despite these protections, it is still possible today that the last wife will have little financial power after her husband dies. She is most likely limited by unfair prenups. Her marriage contract might have built-in performance bonuses that are hard to meet. It is common that she receives some sort of annuity or allowance instead of control of her husband’s estate. Her late husband’s money may be in the hands of a trustee or fiduciary who acts as a patriarchal watchdog.
But the status of the last wife is changing. In addition to being younger and sexier than the rich older male, increasingly, the status symbols the last wife bestows might include a career of her own or a fancy educational pedigree. That last wife may have hired her own lawyer and might even have come into the arrangement with her own money.
To protect our institution’s share of the patriarchal purse, development directors need to learn to interact with the last wife in a new way. Condescending butt-pinching development work is old-school and shoddy. It is time to give the last wife her due and learn to collect from her.
Anti-Patriarchal Development Work
First, know that scientific studies have shown that the phenomenon of the so-called Trophy Wife is not as widespread as popular culture would have you think. The “attractive” wives of wealthy powerful men are not necessarily as mismatched as you might think.
The few Melania Trumps of this world exist mostly in high-income cohorts where patriarchal displays of wealth are still essential to status dominance. As it happens, though, that’s the demographic we are targeting. And as for rich men discarding their first wife for a younger wife, well that’s not part of the existing research. So yes, the Hollywood cliches are relevant to your development strategy.
Understand that the last wife finds the cultural stereotype of the conniving gold-digger demeaning and insulting. According to extensive TokTok research, the last wife probably sees her marriage as transactional and akin to “sugar dating.” She understands it as a business deal where she trades the commodity of her youth and or looks for financial security. Even then, she may well love the old geezer.
The last wife looks at you, the development officer, as yet another tool of the patriarchy, and she thinks your snobbery toward her is sexist. From her point of view, you are all in the same game. Patriarchy demands that everyone hustle for the patriarch’s dollars. It is not like the old geezer came by his dollars “honestly” either.
So, first, respect the players. At this point in patriarchy, you have the opportunity to reject the hierarchical debasement of women and treat the last wife as a Real Person.
How to put this into practice? Here are two real-life examples of how you can rock this for your school.
First Anti-Patriarchal Development Strategy
Stop worshiping the dead. Your development target is in the grave. Don’t make it all about him.
We have stopped using the word “trophy” and must now acknowledge that the woman before you is no longer a wife at all. If you continue to treat her as a relational object, you are going to lose her dollars. Instead, treat her as a wealthy woman in her own right.
She may not be interested in the Daddy Warbucks Equestrian Center your donor promised. But perhaps she would like a building in her own name. The Strong Woman’s Sugar Daddy School of Nursing, for example.
Second Anti-Patriarchal Development Strategy
Take a good hard look at how many of your fundraising strategies center on patriarchal institutions like golf, steak houses and misogynist banter. Your Anti-Patriarchal Development Strategy needs to recenter on donors and away from patriarchy. When you are only chasing the old codgers, you leave money on the table.
If a rival school makes the mistake of dissing the last wife, they have been blinded by patriarchy. Their loss can be your gain. Go through your rosters and see if any of your own alum are now in possession of a large fortune left behind by their vain husband. Do not write off the widows! Women are actually more generous donors than men, so they make great targets.
If her husband’s old school treats her like a tart and talks down to her from the mighty position of male privilege, you can make the sale to your alum just by being a decent human being.
Third Anti-Patriarchal Development Strategy
To dominate women, the patriarch sets them at odds with each other to compete for resources. You should not participate in this sexist manipulation. Perhaps the first, second and third wives have more in common than you might have thought. Don’t assume they are enemies. Perhaps you can get them to work together on their own development project. The Hall of Matriarchs for example.
Money will be the downfall of patriarchy. At first, the invention of money allowed the kleptocracies that centralized power and resources in the hands of a few men. But the anonymizing nature of money means that eventually, the patriarchy will be sold to the highest bidder.
It is unlikely that patriarchy will be replaced with something better, but at least you can feel good about milking it dry before it is left for dead.
Also Read: Fred’s University Now Accepting Organ Donations for the Annual Fund