The Three Things That Happen on Every Committee
More Advice from the Secret Handbook of the Head of School at Richard E Rich Academy
A new Head of School is often tempted to set up a lot of committees. Committees for Rooting Out Problems, committees for Making Unpopular Changes, committees for Getting Rid of Racoons, and committees for Understanding and Appreciating Racoons.
You might be tempted to serve on some of those committees or add yourself as an honorary ex officio member. And you might be asked to serve on professional and regional committees outside the school, like the Committee For Pretending Private Schools Are Not Racist or the Committee for Find A Legal Way Not To Pay Fair Wages. It is not impossible you would be asked to join a committee that deals with the Ethical Issues of The Anthropocene As it Relates to Raccoons with attention to raccoons in child care centers.
But Heads of schools should be very careful about setting up or serving on too many committees, and you should never go up against raccoons or their advocates unless you are sure you can win.
I Domination
One person or clique dominates and suppresses everyone else’s opinions on the committee. This person or group does not need to be loved, popular, or even liked. In fact, the person who controls the group may be secretly hated and feared while appearing to command everyone’s respect.
Whether they are Old Boys or Mean Girls, the bullying members control the agenda, the money, and the messaging.
Sometimes this dynamic leads to conflict, and an attempt is made to revolt against the dominant authority. More often, it may seem like everyone agrees with the bullies because it is not worth the serious trouble of standing up to them. But there is always another point of view or opinion which has been stifled by the dominators.
Those who love raccoons are not allowed to express their respect and admiration when the committee goes after these “dangerous rodents.” The mind control practiced by the dominators is so powerful that the counterfactual description of raccoons as rodents and vermin goes unchecked. Even though raccoons are mammals just like us! Good luck showing the touching videos of mama raccoons nursing their babies you queued up on PowerPoint.
There is no useful role for you on a committee as Head of School. It does not serve you well over time to be seen as a bully. You should never get trapped into being a revolutionary (who will later be sacrificed), and please don’t end up a victim.
Your time should be taken up with doing or delegating, never with the dithering that happens on all committees.
As a special note, given how high passions can run in committees, it is best that you keep your feelings about raccoons to yourself. The less said, the better.
II The Backstory/Crime
Most committees are set up to investigate or prevent some sort of crime. The point of having multiple members is to spread out the risk to individuals in the process. This is basic primate behavior and, yes, one we share with raccoons who also work in tightly-knit groups.
The nature of the crime that is at the heart of all committee work can range from wasting water to embezzling millions of dollars. Your dark secret can be preferential hiring practices, failure to sort recycling or murder. Every year humans injure or kill a large number of raccoons on highways and through pest-control measures. Raccoons are also hunted for their pelts. Angry teachers have been known to shoot raccoons who live in the crawl space under their classrooms, traumatizing the third-graders who considered the raccoons their friends.
Long-standing committees have often outgrown their original mandate, and it can take a while to figure out the backstory. Rest assured. There is a deep dark secret behind every committee. If you keep asking questions, you can eventually learn what pest control company owners put themselves on the Buildings and Grounds Committee and what gun advocates populate the Health and Safety Committee.
III The Lies
Whatever the original crime, the core crime of every committee eventually becomes the failure of the committee itself to face up to or fix the crime it was designed to address.
Committee bullies suppress the truth of the matter at hand, whether it is the misappropriation of school funds by rapacious capitalists, the distribution of criminally boring newsletters, or the ruthless killing of innocent raccoons.
The supposed solutions of most committees are usually a reflection of or an extension of the original crime. A committee investigating racism will hire a white male Diversity Equity and Inclusion officer. Showy investigations of long-ago incidents of sexual abuse of students are used as a smokescreen to cover more recent abuse. Committees designed to protect students end up endangering them by the use of lethal chemicals on wild animals, which should be treated with compassion, not poison.
There probably was a committee to try to prevent President Coolidge from keeping his pet raccoon, Rebecca, in the White House. Rebecca wore an embroidered collar, took baths, and had the run of the place. She slept on President Coolidge’s lap by the fire on cold nights and enjoyed celebrity status in the newspapers. Was anyone able to get rid of Rebecca, as she caused endless problems for White House staff? No, not until Coolidge left office was she donated to a zoo.
Committees are for cover-ups. It is not just the members who seek safety in numbers. The presence of a committee helps us all avoid responsibility or blame. As a representation of a collective, committees reflect our crimes and complicities and help us find ways out of facing them.
Extra Head of School Tip:
The best way to get rid of raccoons is at night with no witnesses. You should pay for raccoon eradication out of discretionary or slush funds. Never itemize raccoon removal. If necessary, it may be worth it to pay to get rid of raccoons with cash out of your own pocket. Yes, if raccoons die, you should pay extra to have the bodies disposed of far from campus. And remember to turn off security cameras during the crime. Raccoons are extremely photogenic, and their pictures can inspire sympathy and even love. Never be photographed removing a raccoon, especially if you are illegally taking that raccoon home to feed and play with it until it is adopted by a certified wildlife relocation agency.
Read Other Entries in The Head’s Secret Handbook:
The Head Explains How Not To Get Fired