Mail Order Mission Statements
The process of coming up with a new mission statement is costly and annoying. Infighting over adjectives and fine-tuning platitudes does not fit with your personal mission to live your best life without ever seeing Bob from Admin again.
Old thinking was that your team could expense a retreat to Cabo to workshop a new Mission Statement while sipping margaritas poolside. The longer it took to write those tiny little lines the better. Bottoms up!
New thinking is that you never want to talk to your co-workers again, especially not in a bathing suit.
Let’s face it, your Vision is probably building your own pool so you can work from home by the wet bar.
Instead of wasting time you could be spending on Pinterest researching your backyard redesign, you can bill for the process of hiring a Mission Statement consultant.
Our Mission as Mission Statement consultants is to get you drinking.
Our Services
It’s All About Optimizing Choices
After briefly looking over your website and talking to the copier repairman in your office, we craft two possible Mission Statements for you. One is boring and the other is really, really boring. You will not be able to remember either statement, which doesn’t stop Bob from having a lot of notes, objections, and criticisms.
Although you can play The Email Game deciding which infinitesimally different Mission Statement best reflects the collective cliches of the moment, we strongly suggest you select your Mission Statement via a competitive drinking game.
If you cannot decide between the two Mission Statements we provide you, our company offers a stand-alone service for deciding which is best. We will workshop your problem poolside in Cabo. No, Bob cannot tag along.
In addition to Decision Services, we offer the following other add-ons to our Core Mission Service.
Extra Services at Extra Cost
Plagiarism Check
We run a continuous plagiarism check. Our Vision is for your Mission Statement to sound very similar to that of other more successful organizations. But you don’t want the exact same Mission Statement as a competitor. If you use someone else’s words, you might end up driving internet traffic to your rival’s bigger, better website.
Since most Mission Statements are a mishmash of a very small number of truisms and adminspeak neologisms, it can be hard to achieve the goal of almost cheating. Some thesaurus work, cost included, will solve your problem before you even know it existed.
Jargon Check
We make sure the jargon in your Mission Statement is up-to-date. Synergy is out. Alignment is getting tired. Authentic never was authentic. Inspiring is not. Empowerment is cultural appropriation. Our algorithm continuously checks on the most important buzzwords in the Fortune 500 Mission Statements and automatically adjusts your motto when it is getting stale. (Just kidding, mottoes are so seventeenth-century).
Poetry
We can make your Mission Statement a haiku or, for an even heftier extra charge, we can make your Mission Statement rhyme. Please inquire about rates on sonnets and sestinas.
NFT
If you are an industry disruptor interested in some blue-sky thinking on Mission Statements, we have some out-of-the-box solutions that will take you to the next level. Forward-thinking companies are realizing that they can pivot and monetize their Mission by making their statement into an NFT and auctioning it off to stakeholders. If you are interested in this paradigm shift, we have a data-driven approach to help you move the needle on gamifying your core competencies in the form of a SpongeBob SquarePants token that pees when you click on it.
Our Mission for your NFT project can be ideated by this haiku:
Trickle of yellow
If you tickle my tummy
Pee me a river
Also Read: Meeting Minutes in Haiku: Friday Office Poem