Public School Zero

Public School Zero has a severe budget shortage and a surplus of disgruntled teachers, but no real campus or students.

Covid Sick Day: School Poem

As I lay Sick in bed/ I watched a fly/ Hanging dead/ The fly watched me/ From his late eye/ His look locked/ In mute reply
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What I Should Have Worn: Friday School Poem

My time was / The Seventies/ But I wore/ Dresses to school/ With a rabbit muff/ I was playing/ Victorian orphan in/ The Atari age
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Homecoming Alternatives For Nerds

Schools should create nerd-friendly alternatives to the sensory overload and fascistic vibe of overhyped school spirit days
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Everyone Hates Senior Superlatives

Public School Zero Superlatives include Most Likely To Never Be Mentioned in the Yearbook And Later to Become Rich and Famous. Perferendis, adipisicing sed repudiandae sit, habitant reiciendis tellus non enim necessitatibus penatibus. Repellat fringilla cras animi nostrud do laudantium urna diam torquent aliquam optio! Dolores auctor quis qui molestias magnam. Lacinia, metus libero, laborum…
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Poem: This Book Could Save Your Life

A wall of books/ On the north side of your shelter/ Is a warming windbreak/ If you are shipwrecked with enemies/ Read aloud to them
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Thank You Gen Z for Protesting Gun Violence in Schools

Public School Zero Principal objects to teacher video praising Gen Z for standing against gun violence in Tennessee
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The Real Cause of Violence against Teachers

Violence in classrooms is a theatrical enactment of the inequalities in our nation with all-too-real harm to everyone involved.
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You Don’t Have To Shine Free Flipbook Picture Book

The Problem With Rich Kids Privileged children can be burdened with the demand that they excel and distinguish themselves in order to be loved and appreciated. Children from affluent families have surprisingly high rates of depression and anxiety. A recent article in School News Today, “Rich White Students Crushed by Needing to Prove They…
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Hi/Lo Adult Beginning Readers Story Based on Slang and Texting

Beginning readers in high school deserve fun learn-to-read texts. Public School Zero introduces “The Kiss” a free Hi/Lo Reader for adults.
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Nerd-Friendly Playground Design

Playgrounds are horrible for nerds. New playground designs create nerd-friendly spaces with stim walls, poetry corners and knitting pits.
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10 Ways Teachers Can Use ChatGPT in the Classroom

AI shouldn’t make more work for underpaid teachers. ChatGPT should also automate emails to entitled parents and make espresso.
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Honest Teacher Vision Statements

The mission of a mission statement is to convey a knowledge of current educational jargon and to set impossible goals. Try these instead!
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School Tours: Friday Office Poem

At night I like to scroll the earth/ Go over the buildings and grounds/ Of schools I knew and went to/ Parking lots are easiest to find
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Death In The First Grade: Friday Office Poem

The kids make/ His empty cubby/ A memorial in/ Stuffed animals/ The gas station kind/ With bows and/ Paper tags that / They leave on/
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Why I Won’t Assign Annotated Reading

Annotating reading is insanely boring for students and teachers hate grading it. End the drudgery with a new technique.
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Clothing Brand Analyst Goes Undercover at Public School Zero

An unauthorized brand researcher discovered that students prefer intentionally ugly carefully aged thrifted clothes with an aura of death
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Weekend Hunger Instructions for Students: Friday Office Poem

Suck on a stone/Scientifically proven to/ Make you less hungry/ Collect ketchup packets/ At restaurants where/ They still leave them out
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School Org Chart Shows Front Office Lady At Top

The Principal was hurt when his name did not appear on the Public School Zero org chart assembled by the community.
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Public School Zero Bans Boring Books

The books we should really ban are boring books and books with ugly covers which destroy the power of reading as self-care
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The EdTech Gift Teachers Really Want

Poor students have been brutally excluded from the data revolution that has transformed most of modern life. A new app could change that
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Dear Butterscotch: My Batshit Mother-in-Law Scratched Me

My batshit crazy mother-in-law demands we spend every holiday at her house. Are mother-in-law problems a throwback to patriarchy?
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Pencil Cup: Friday Office Poem

Kindergarten naptime/ Limp bodies laid out/ Like in a crime/ They sleep in doubt/ Should there ever/ Be a shooter/ Could I be clever
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Hogwarts Teachers Narcissistic Personality Disorder Explainer

Tools for Teacher Training: How To Identify Narcissistic Personality Traits and Tactics in Teaching Staff As Seen At Hogwarts
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Public School Zero Teachers Need ASMR Nature Therapy After Annoying Meeting

“Teachers are not magic, teachers work hard at what they do,” Ms. Ramsey objected at an annoying meeting later captured in an ASMR video.
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What “Expert” Critics Don’t Understand About Time Out And Why We Need Gentle Time Out

When you have a number of children in your care you have to think about the entire group. That group includes yourself, the caregiver.
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Stop Saying “Science Says” A Science Teacher Rants

Science is no one thing. Science is not a person. Science cannot say anything. Science is a process of asking questions and collecting data.
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Dear Butterscotch: My Kid Wants to Quit The Football Team He Says Is Fascist

Dear Butterscotch, My kid is a quitter and proud of it. He says football is fascist. Should I let him quit the team?
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Ode To Roadkill: Friday Office Poem

To the possum in the ditch/ Behind the school/ May you sleep in peace/ Sending your sweet waft/ Through the half-opened windows
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Abandoned School For Sale To Insider Bidder

The ideal buyer will demonstrate knowledge of kickbacks, graft, and insider trades. Knowledge of Pitbulls a plus.
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Cut the BS at PS Zero

A recent education movement called “de-implementation” advocates eliminating “low-value” practices. Should homework and teaching be included?
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I Am A Teacher and Here Are The Five Things I Would Never Do

1. Assume grades correlate with intelligence. 2. Mistake school rules for moral precepts. 3. Base my judgment of a child on school behavior
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Back To School Supply List For Ms. Smith’s First Grade Class

Ms. Smith’s list includes a clear backpack for Christopher whom many angry parents suspect will be the next school shooter.
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Classroom Yoga SEL Satire Exercise for Schools Solves All Problems

This short Social and Emotional Learning classroom yoga exercise will solve all your students’ problems with simple, free self-care.
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Family Therapy Hand Gestures Handout Download

A free handout of hand gestures to use for common family therapy issues that come up when kids are learning to drive
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Parent Driving Classes at Public School Zero

Is your parent driving you to driving school this summer, and are they driving you crazy? Public School Zero has classes for your parent!
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Woodsie: Friday Poem from School News Today

What is a woodsie/ Campers wonder now/ A sign spraypainted on the/ Wrecked machine shed/ Not in your lap in class/ Or the biggest beaver
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Desk Tour: Public School Zero Teacher

Like most teachers, my salary has not kept up with the recent hike in housing prices, so my home office is my bed.
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Teachers Deserve A Break

After Public School Zero announced two extra weeks of meetings before vacation, Ms. Ashley Shirley Moss-Ross posted an ASMR for teachers
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Children of Alcoholics Educational Cat Video and Free Classroom Handouts

Educational Cat Video helps children of alcoholics identify symptoms like shame, hidden anger, isolation and strange illnesses
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School Board Meeting With Zero Drama Very Clickable

The School Board Meeting for Public School Zero last night was marked by zero drama, zero death threats against teachers
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Free Haiku Template

short haiku lesson/ written in haiku format/ poetry is lit/ first five syllables/ next line seven syllables/ seventeen in all
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If We Censor Critical Race Theory Here is What Else We Can’t Teach

When we ban Critical Race Theory if it makes students uncomfortable we will also have to ban teaching the American Revolution
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Dear Butterscotch, Is the Math Teacher Abusing His Dog?

PTA Mom seeks advice from School Advice Columnist Butterscotch about how to deal with a teacher who is abusing his dog
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AutoCorrect Poem: Friday Office Poetry

My dear Otto/ Correct or disconnect/ Lotto of language/ I didn’t mean that/ The meat of it/ Or the meanness
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ASMR Nature Therapy For Teachers Bittersweet

Public School Zero teacher Ms. Ashley Shirley Moss-Ross has come under attack for her latest ASMR Nature Therapy For Teachers video.
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Student Evaluation Form for ESL Tutor: Friday Office Poetry

Difficult Heart/ The question says/ I should be Completely honest/ I always felt/ My honesty was/ In question
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ASMR Nature Therapy For Teachers: Adam’s Needle

ASMR Nature Therapy For Teachers video features Ms. Ashley Shirley Moss-Ross stroking a plant in the snow and asking for better pay.
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The Group Work Card Game Available Online Now

Public School Zero launches an online card game for everyone who hates group work and project-based learning. Play here!
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School Hallway Makeover Contest

Public School Zero won the School Hallway Makeover Contest with a design featuring fluffy chairs and a pink flower motif.
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Grades I Regret Giving

Your essay had poor grammar but I cried at the part about your grandmother. Why did I give you a C? I think of your essay every day.
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Hate Group Work? Try The Group Game

Science teacher Mr.Durden has devised a game to make Project Based Learning more fun by assigning roles of Drudge, Slacker and Credit Hog.
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Emotionally Honest Holiday Slogans for PTA T-Shirts

PTA redesigns holiday gift promos after charges of toxic positivity. The t-shirts which formerly said JOYFUL now say JOYLESS.
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Parent Diorama Contest

Third-grade teacher Mrs. Kindly sponsors a Parent Diorama contest. The materials cost must be limited to $2,000.
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Ho Ho No Mistletoe Consent Form

Public School Zero presents a Mistletoe Consent From ahead of the holiday season to avoid a repeat of last years staff party problems
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Friday Admin Poem: Hygiene

Hygiene Theater/Why not hygiene poetry/Spaces between lines/Haiku for the floor/Plato said/Poetry waters the passions
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Toxic Sanitizer Lawsuit: Resist The Mist

Public School Zero teachers sue the school district after being forced to used sanitizer deemed toxic by the FDA
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Pumpkin Spice Holiday Video Games Popular at Public School Zero

Gamification of Invisible Labor in new holiday-themed games that make you enjoy paying late bills, visiting the emergency room and canceling flights.
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Work Begins on Opioid Death Monument at Fred’s University

Sicker Family settlement pays for Opioid Death Monument to be placed in a Superfund site in the Badlands of campus.
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Are You Serving Your Children A Heaping Serving of Toxic Positivity?

Turn off that smile for a while! 4 Ways Parents Can Avoid the Toxic Positivity their children are accusing them of on TikTok
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Friday Admin Poem: Your Phone Bleeds For You

Your phone bleeds for you/ Or do you bleed for it/ Is it a hook or an anchor/ Do you hang or drown?
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Catty Clutter Controversy

Ms. Felinity was cited for clutter in her classroom by concerned PTA moms who noticed the class cat was missing. Drama developed.
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Friday Admin Poetry: False Alarm

Dark wake or sleep/ Blinking LED/ Battery charged/ Beeping below the birds/ Nightingales sing at dawn/ Defending their territory
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Spotlight Review Fred Med Hospital: Breaches of Patient Privacy and Confidentiality

Accidentally posted “Spotlight Review” highlights dirt, tears and patient danger at Fred Med Hospital.
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Tea Party

At a Public School Zero event on sex education resources for teachers, a “Tea and Consent” graphic was defaced in the men’s room.
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The Notorious D.O.G.

School service dog scandal emerges when the Public School Zero Special Services Director has her own bulldog trained as the service dog.
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Classroom Dynamics

Classroom dynamics shown to be much more complex for students of color, non-males and students who are not bougie.
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Admin Poetry for Office Work

Poems about office work: “The spreadsheet opens/Empty cells/Summer term/Scent of fresh ink cartridge…”
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Bottom Feeders

“From The Bottom” Music Show for Young Performers in Parking Lot Competition
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Schools At Risk

Schools are at risk for mistreating so-called “at-risk” students.
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Micro-Credentials

Public School Zero to offer Micro-Credentials for educators in bathroom politics, butt pinchers and office parties.
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Unpopular Study

Peer Ranking Study Harms Child Subjects
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Shining Light on Beach Movies

School fundraiser committee substitutes sexist beach movies for Senior Slave Auction
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Icebreaker or Ice Maker?

Teambuilding Icebreakers Can Be Ice Makers
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Hands Off

New Hands Off Dress Code at Public School Zero requires respect for all cultural styles of dress.
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Graduation Budget Cuts

Budget cuts mean Public School Zero graduation speeches are limited to 5 minutes and one inspirational cliche.
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The Reason No One Wants to Work At Public School Zero

No one wants to work At Public School Zero because of Bob, not because of generous unemployment benefits.
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Phantom Bureaucracy

Noting that Concordia University is offering online classes prepared by a professor who has subsequently died, Fred’s University is looking into the possibility of using dead administrators to execute some tasks. This experimental program will repurpose existing emails, tweets, and PowerPoint presentations from departed administrators. The program is expected to save time on repetitive…
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Political Apathy Apothecary

Patent Remedies are “medicines” that don’t work. Liberal Tears & Conservative Bile don’t replace reparations for racial injustice.
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ASMR For Teachers: End Of School

After Ms. Ashley Shirley Moss-Ross made a ASMR paper tearing video for teachers she was reprimanded by the principal.
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Smoking Abroad

Senior Year Abroad Program offers expensive chance to smoke anywhere, drink openly, experience diverse forms of racism and sexual harassment.
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Five Paragraph Essays Contributing to Global Warming

To cut down on emissions, Public School Zero pledged to reduce all Five-Paragraph Essays to four paragraphs.
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Beauty Tips for Zoom

How to Look Better on Zoom? Don’t let your entitlement show, keep an eye on your mansplaining, watch your racist assumptions, use your ears.
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Smaller Talk

Fred’s University’s new Department of Podcasting launches an app to cut annoying chitchat out of podcasts.
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Period Poverty Protest Makes A Splash

Students protest for free period products to fight period poverty in their school. Protesters removed toilet paper from the men’s bathroom.
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Quarantine Office Tasks You Can Do From Home

Hushing up sexual harassment, taking the fall for a dementing dean, ignoring blatant racism, doctoring tax returns
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Vaccination Hypocrisy

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Consultants Eliminate Faculty

Consultants suggest eliminating faculty as a cost-cutting measure for schools. Money saved on teaching can be used for more consultants.
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Drink The Kool-Aid

What you need to survive: The school soda fountain dispenses Ritalin, Xanax and Prozac
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Who Rules The School?

What are the real rules that show who rules the school?
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SAT Slums

Rich parents buy up slum addresses to game the SAT “Adversity Score” program designed to help poor students.
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Plagiarism Versus Plagiarism

Student argues he can’t be charged with plagiarism if his mom wrote the paper
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Concussion Club

Captain Crunch has called the first totally secret meeting of the Concussion Club.
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Parents Hiding From Children Behind Devices Through History

Parents used to hide from their kids behind newspapers!
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How to Hover

A serious look at the range of parenting techniques available in a parent’s ‘garage’ for tackling parenting.
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The War on Reading

War has been declared on reading, 70% of all texts should be very, very boring. But, there are many tried and true classroom techniques…
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Racist Origin Tale

Ms. Frazzled showed off some of the origin stories the children had been working on in their composition books.
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Kid-Friendly Candy Flavor E-Cigarettes

New E-cigarettes available in a variety of kid-friendly candy-flavored varieties. A satirical look at vaping for kids.
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School Nurse Hands Out Anti-Internet Drops

The school nurse gave the girl a box of Anti-Internet Drops, with instructions to take two with Twitter, and sent her back to class.
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The Gifted Child

The “gifted” and talented child’s gifts: SAT prep, unpaid internship, summer in Spain, private coach, tutoring, piano lessons, computer camp.
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Don’t Ask Me About College!

To raise money for the Senior Class Gift this year, seniors banded together to sell this “Don’t Ask Me About College” t-shirt. Please Don't Ask Me About College T-Shirt by PublicSchoolZero As springtime acceptances and rejections roll in, the pressure to discuss your hopes and dreams becomes unbearable. This t-shirt is perfect for wearing to…
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